Many parents are unsure when and how to address the subject of sex with their children. Don't put it off for too long, say specialists who offer a range of approaches to broaching the topic. Berlin (dpa) – When David was seven years old, he asked, "How do babies get into tummies?" His mother was a bit stressed at the time as she was getting out of the car and dashing to an appointment. "We'll talk about it tonight," she said, though they didn't manage after all. "To be honest, we didn't bring up the subject again because, of course, we were also unsure about it," she says. Like Anja Maier (not her real name) from Stuttgart, many parents face questions such as, "How do I communicate this in a child-friendly way? How much detail should I go into? How matter-of-fact should I be? Am I overwhelming my child?" Mothers and fathers are often unsure about when and how to educate their children, say specialists. Mums more likely than dads to tell kids A relatively large proportion of parents ultimately play no major role in educating their own children. Some 40% of girls say that their mother contributed significantly or very significantly to their sex education, according to Heinz-Jürgen Voss, professor of sexology and sex education at Merseburg University of Applied Sciences in Saxony-Anhalt, Germany. Among boys, the figure is only 20% – and even lower for fathers, at 15% to 20%. These are the findings of a study conducted by his university, which surveyed 861 people four years ago. So what do experts recommend when it comes to talking to kids? Don't wait too long with sex education It is crucial that parents start sex education as early as possible, says Voss. "In principle, sexuality, the body and gender are already topics of discussion from birth." It is important that parents do not start to clean the genital area carelessly during otherwise loving personal hygiene, he says. Instead, children should learn from the outset that genitals are also very important. Just because they are touched during cleaning, for example, does not mean that sexuality plays a role. "It is simply a physical characteristic," he says. He also says it is crucial to name the genitals. These can be nicknames or the correct terms penis and vulva or vagina. The main thing is that the terms are named. "So you shouldn't say that some – boys – have something there and others – girls – don't," says Voss. Parents should be who you turn to Maier and her husband always felt it was important to teach their two sons the correct terms for their genitals – also with a view to possible sexual assault. "The point is that the child can then actually name what has happened." Biologist Voß underlines that ultimately, he hopes parents will learn to talk to their children about sexuality as this is important both in terms of positive experiences and with regard to health consequences if something happens. He too is thinking of assault. "Then children also need someone to talk to." Growing through children's questions Katharina Böhmer-Kastens from the Pro Familia counselling centre in Freiburg recommends that parents base their sexual education on the pace and interest of their children. "Growing with the children's questions, so to speak, and taking them by the hand." She says this starts with small children. When children ask questions such as, "How does a baby get into the tummy?" parents need not go into excessive detail. "The recommendation is to always give short and concise answers" and then see if there are any follow-up questions. Give short answers and wait When asked about babies in tummies, you can say to small children, "When two people love each other, a child can be created." That may be enough for some children. Others may want to know more and might say, "But I love my brother too, and no child is created." Then you can go further, explain who can become a couple and say something like, "To make a baby, you need a sperm cell and an egg cell. When they meet, a baby can be made." You can also decide, "I think my child should know a little bit about this now." When the issue is taught varies widely but in Germany, primary school children learn about sex education in the fourth grade. Parents could then say, "Let's talk a little bit about the subject before that." Place articles or books in the bathroom "If you wait to provide sex education, it becomes increasingly difficult because children grow into a sense of shame,’ says Böhmer-Kastens. And then the child thinks, "Mummy is only coming to talk to me about it. I don't want to anymore." With teenagers, parents can talk about topics at the kitchen table in front of their children. "I just read a new study that teenagers watch a lot of porn. Now I asked myself, 'How was it for us back then?'” suggests Böhmer-Kastens. That normalizes talk about sexuality. You can also approach the topic less directly, she says. One way is to put books or articles on the subject in the bathroom. "Everyone sits there for at least five minutes several times a day. Then you pick it up and have a look." Sex education as protection While some fear they may overwhelm youngsters with sex education, Michael Hummert from the Institute for Sex Education in Germany's Witten says, "In most cases, we don't even ask ourselves what makes children feel insecure or not." He says, for example, perhaps the term "Tyrannosaurus rex" is too complicated for children as a Latin technical term for an extinct species. "Clitoris is even easier, and yet we don't say it," he says. Parents often avoid the topic of sexual violence fearing this too could overwhelm children. But Hummert says the key thing is to accompany children in their feelings and thoughts. "This topic is one of the reasons why sex education must be provided as early as possible." The earlier children know what is permissible between children, and between children and adults, the better, says Hummert. Children should learn to set boundaries For mother Maier, 44, from Stuttgart, it is also particularly important in sex education that her boys learn that there are boundaries. That children can then say "stop" and that "you don't have to go along with everything." She has several friends who are pregnant. Maybe this is a reason to revisit the topic with the baby in her womb, she says. "I've already thought about telling our older son a little more." The following information is not intended for publication dpa/tmn jak cwg amc xxde arw
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