My son, the macho? How to raise a modern man

Once upon a time, being a man meant being strong and unyielding. Today there are many different understandings of masculinity. How can parents support boys on the journey to finding the right kind of manhood? Berlin (dpa) – Expectations of masculinity are changing, and education experts agree that boys need positive guidance to find their identity. When a little boy turns a toy spade into a sword and a bit of digging in the sandpit suddenly becomes a gladiator match, many parents start to worry. Bellicose boys are not always wanted. Yet they are still expected to assert themselves, ideally with words. Coolness, composure and assertiveness – researchers call these the demands of masculinity, the things society has traditionally expected of boys. "These demands cover all basic attitudes that are perceived as male," says Stephan Höyng, professor of boys' and men's work at the Catholic University of Social Work in Berlin. But is that really still the case? Looking back, traditional ideas of masculinity painted a very narrow picture of the heterosexual, tall, muscular and successful man, explains Reinhard Winter, an educational expert, author and lecturer at the Social Science Institute in Tübingen, Germany. For decades this was the prevailing masculine ideal. Those who matched it had an easy ride. Those who fell outside the grid were often devalued and marginalized. Even though this traditional type still carries great weight in academic circles, very few young men still conform to it today. By that yardstick, many in more progressive parts of the world live in a paradise today where everyone has the opportunity to develop themselves. "That is a great advantage to start with," says Winter. "On the other hand, I still have to find out who I actually am. The individual developmental task has therefore become a bit bigger." "The masculine type has been modernized. He is self-critical, decent and cultivated," Winter said. "But when it matters, he can and should unleash his full energy. In my view, this capacity for self-regulation is what currently constitutes the dominant masculine ideal." Different facets are needed depending on the situation, and showing some aggression and going full throttle in the right moments, then bringing emotions back down can be welcome in sport, working life and in certain contexts. Feeling, empathy, self-reflection in demand So how do boys learn to deal with different ideal images? In part by being non-judgemnetal. "I do not judge whether you are wearing a skirt or trousers. As you are, you are okay," advised Stephan Höyng. Allowing feelings is also important. Anyone who tries to emulate a more traditional image of masculinity runs the risk of unlearning how to feel, empathize and tune in to themselves. These are all abilities that play no role in the traditional male ideal. “Then a kind of emotional coldness can develop inside. A development that leads to no longer being able to sense what is good for others — or for myself — and what is not,” says Höyng. While most parents could say very precisely how their son should not be — namely not too loud, not too wild, not sexist or exclusionary — many people find it difficult to name positive qualities, says Winter. “In the past, one could say: men have to be strong. And as a boy, you could react to that and consider, for example, going to the gym. But if I only ever know how I should not be, I lack orientation as to who I can and should be,” he says. Telling someone “just be yourself” also offers little guidance. Instead, boys need to be positively encouraged and shown how they can behave in difficult situations. This applies not only to marginalized boys, but also to those who more closely resemble the traditional male type. Learning how to fight – and help “When boys enjoy fighting, many parents shy away from it. But if we say you’re allowed to be as masculine as you are, that also includes the fact that some boys tend toward a dominant form of masculinity and need support in cultivating it,” says Winter. For example, through play. There is nothing wrong with playing knights in a castle where fierce battles are fought. “I can enjoy fighting and at the same time expand the game. For instance, the injured knights need to be cared for. We need a Red Cross knight.” Learning to respond appropriately to different situations is best achieved by boys through positive male role models. “Children need images they can act by. It’s wonderful when there are concrete men who are caring and able to show emotions. But of course children and adolescents also get their role models from the media, and these are often stereotypical figures,” says Höyng. Reinforcing the positive When it comes to media consumption and social networks, the professor recommends staying close to the topics that interest young people: apart from warning children about sites to avoid, parents should talk to their children about their own interests. "That sometimes means taking a look at one or two influencers myself." Even when boys suddenly want to go to kindergarten dressed as a princess or a unicorn. "My son also absolutely wanted to go to kindergarten as a princess," Winter says, adding he was worried about his son being excluded. And then they came up with an emergency plan: a change of clothes. Nothing happened, he says, and his son "was a beautiful princess and completely happy in that situation." Of course, in such situations there is a risk that strangers might make fun of them. But for Winter it would have been terrible “if we had spoiled the costume for him or warned him. As parents, you can trust that boys can handle such situations. If it really escalates, that’s an opportunity to discuss gender issues together and continue developing from there.” The following information is not intended for publication dpa/tmn ada xxde mew

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