Adolescent mental health expert Dr Margot Sunderland says empathy and not being defensive are key to good parent-teen relations. London (PA Media/dpa) – Being a modern teenager can be tough, with today’s young people probably facing more pressures than ever before. And dealing with academic demands, social media pressures and body image issues on top of the raging emotions of puberty can be even harder for teens who are in constant conflict with their parents. “Growing up in today’s world can be incredibly tough for young people,” says Stevie Goulding, interim head of services at YoungMinds. “Many teenagers face a constant mix of pressures, from school and academic expectations to the impact of social media, worries about the future, and wider challenges like financial stress at home. It’s no wonder so many young people feel overwhelmed at times.” She says it’s important for parents to recognise that what may look like moodiness or withdrawal can often be signs of deeper emotional strain, and stresses: “Rather than responding with frustration or shouting, which can easily shut down communication, approaching your child with patience, calm, and understanding can help strengthen your relationship and create a safe space for them to open up.” She suggests finding quiet moments to connect through everyday activities you both enjoy, and listening without judgment, adding: “Just being there, showing empathy, and reminding them it’s OK to feel what they’re feeling can be hugely reassuring.” And adolescent mental health expert Dr Margot Sunderland, director of Trauma Informed Schools UK, which helps schools respond effectively to children and teenagers’ mental health problems, suggests that if parents try to understand what their teen is going through, and adopt a stress-reducing approach instead of a stress-inducing one, the parent-child relationship could be improved substantially. “In teenagers, the stress response system in the brain is hyperactive – there are massive changes in the brain,” she explains. “It’s like having new roadworks in the brain, because it’s being refigured, and there are huge hormonal forces. So parents just need to give teenagers some slack, and be as they would with a toddler, which is to be empathic and not rise to the bait. “Realise they’re being unreasonable, but be able to stay empathic.” Here, Sunderland, a child psychotherapist and author of more than 20 books, explains the best ways for parents to react when teens are defiant, unreasonable or just plain angry. Be empathic If a teenager gets cross, instead of getting angry themselves, Sunderland says parents should try to be empathic and let the teenager know they understand where their feelings are coming from. “Say ‘This is really hard for you right now’, or ‘You’re really cross with me’, just like you would with a toddler,” she advises. “The power of empathy and understanding will bring stress levels down. So just saying it’s really hard for them has the power of healing parent-child interactions. “But so many parents have never been empathised with themselves, so it needs to be taught in schools. Don’t get defensive If your teen says they hate you, rather than saying ‘Don’t talk to me like that’, which can cause “attachment ruptures”, Sunderland advises parents to say ‘You really hate it that I put down that boundary – I get it that you’re furious with me’. “Try to not be defensive,” she says, “but to just accept the feeling.” Don’t try to fix the problem Sunderland says parents need to actively listen to what their teenagers have to say, rather than just trying to fix the problem without truly listening to the teen’s take on it. “Active listening brings stress levels down dramatically,” she explains. “Parents will try and fix the problem, they’ll go ‘It’s not that bad, you can do this or that’. “But teenagers don’t want to be fixed. They want to be understood and listened to, and that’s difficult, because you feel the pain of the teenager, but can you stay with the pain rather than try and fix it?” Try to stay stable under stress Stress-inducing parenting, like parents shouting back when a teenager shouts at them, can add to mental health problems, warns Sunderland. “So how do you stay stable under stress?” she asks. “Go into another room and scream, but not in front of your teenager. Then respond in a very calm voice.” Parents might also offload to a partner or friend, “But not on the teenager,” stresses Sunderland. Use ‘until’ statements instead of threats Respond to your teen as you would to a toddler, advises Sunderland. “So you’ll say, for example, ‘I’m afraid you can’t go out until you’ve done x’. Work in a very calm voice, but be clear about consequences, just like with toddlers. “And rather than threatening to take their iPhone away, say ‘We can’t do x until you’ve done y. “Taking phones and things away is really not a great thing. Use something else they need, like if they want pocket money, or they want to buy something. Using ‘until’ is far better.” Try not to shout at your teenager It’s easier said than done, but it’s not good to shout at your adolescent kids. Sunderland explains that shouting at teenagers damages the verbal processing part of their brain, “but that’s not taught in schools,” she says. “Stress-reducing parenting will bring resilient children. So a parent might think ‘Me just shouting at my teenager is OK’. Well, it’s not.” Be curious Teenagers may accuse their parents of not understanding them, and Sunderland says the way to deal with this is to be curious. “Say ‘I really want to understand, would you help me? I’m here to listen’. Be curious.” Summarise As well as empathising and being curious, Sunderland says a good practical tool is to summarise what your teen has said or how they’re feeling. “The tone of voice has to be right,” she says, “but curiosity is key. Say ‘Will you help me understand?’ and then summarise what they said, for example: “So what you’re saying is, you feel totally overwhelmed by school work. I get it.’” Be a ‘talkable to’ parent Sunderland says if you keep trying to fix your teen or telling them to get out of their mood, you’re not ‘talkable-to’ – and if that’s the case, teens are likely to try to solve their problems by getting often incorrect information off social media. “Are you ‘talkable-to’ parents?” she asks. “You know you’re doing so well as a parent if a teenager tells you something painful that’s happening in their life. You need a trophy, because they actually want to talk to you – that’s a wonderful thing.” Be patient Sunderland explains parents may see turmoil and hormonal forces even when their child is no longer a teenager, as the brain is still developing into the late 20s. By 19-22 years they’re becoming “more reasonable”, she explains, but before that, and certainly between 13-16 years, “You’ll need skills to emotionally regulate yourself, to be curious, to be empathic, and to not rise to the bait. “There will be mood swings, and you will lose your teenager, then you’ll get them back, and you’ll lose them, and then you’ll get them back. Don’t worry about that. “It’s a bit like a parent needing to be like a therapist until they get through those years. And then you get your child back when they’re about 22.” The following information is not intended for publication dpa pa arw
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